Big Girl Bed!

I can't believe it.....Isabelle has been sleeping in her big girl bed now for one whole week. I was hesitant to say anything to anyone about the transition, knowing that somehow once I said, "Isabelle moved to her big bed," that it would all come crashing down. I just knew that saying it out loud would result in a revolt against the big girl bed and the peaceful, easygoing, sleeper I have in Isabelle would disappear. But it hasn't. She is doing wonderfully. She is sleeping in that bed like it has always belonged to her. It's no toddler bed either. It is a regular twin size bed. A daybed to be specific. We have a trundle bed underneath that we have pulled out so that if she should roll off (which has happened once and she didn't even wake up!) she will land on the other bed, not the floor, plus she has a lot less distance to fall. And the miracle of the whole thing is that she doesn't get out of the bed....despite a room full of toys that she LOVES to play with. At bedtime and for naps, we lay her down, tell her goodnight (prayers at bedtime) and then walk out. The door stays shut and she stays put until we come in the door again in the morning or after the nap is over. It is crazy. She will wake up from a nap and STAY IN BED until I come get her. It is an amazing thing to me. I thought for sure once she wasn't confined to a crib that my highly active, always moving, always playing daughter would take full advantage of being able to get OUT of bed and play...but no. So now it is time to move Molly. She is headed out of our room and into the crib. When Isabelle moved out of our room it was rather traumatic for me....not so much for Molly. Funny how things change with baby #2. Since Molly is now sleeping for six hour stretches at night, it is time for mom to get some sleep also! So both my girls seem to be growing up at an amazing rate and while I realize it's not like they are headed off to kindergarten or anything, I can't help but think that when that time arrives, it will also catch me off guard and feel too fast. Like I have said before, my grandma would remind me right about now, "these are the best days of my life."

molly is one month old!

wow! i can't believe it has already been one month since molly arrived! i think that contributing to the feeling that this first month flew by was the fact that we didn't get out of the hospital until she was almost one week old. but that aside...it still feels fast. with isabelle i remember thinking that time was moving SO slowly. people would say things about how fast the time goes by and i would roll my eyes or make some comment about time dragging on for me. i just felt like isabelle was never going to get bigger. of course now it feels like she grew up overnight.....but back then it was a different story. i am sure that taking care of two babies also contributes to the feeling of life going by very quickly, after all my days are largely spent changing diapers, feeding kids, cleaning kids, and doing laundry! i thought i was busy before having isabelle...WRONG.

back to molly.....she is one month old today and had her one month check up at the dr. she weighs 8 lbs and 15 oz and is 21 inches long. this puts her in the 40th percentile for weight and 50th for height. because she is gaining weight like such a champ i can also let her sleep longer at night. she is already quite the sleeper, but now i can let her sleep longer which means i can sleep longer! WHOO HOO! i think God blessed me with a sleepy baby so that i would not go insane from lack of sleep. thank goodness for the little things!

aspirations of a mom....

being a mom is a tough job. in fact, much harder than i previously thought. i don't think it matters that i am home full time either. i think working moms have it pretty tough also. as a mom, i think about whether or not i am doing a good job. did i play with molly enough, make enough silly faces, give her enough stimulation? did i read with isabelle enough, play outside enough, teach her enough new things? after all, i don't want to cause permanent damage to my kids. i don't want to screw them up to the point where one day they will look back and blame me or jason for how they turned out as adults? rather i would like them to thank us for how they turned out! and sadly, i don't think you can truly judge your parenting until your kids are grown. yes, there are milestones along the way that you can get some idea of whether or not you totally suck, but really the goal of parenting is to produce a good adult, right? and contributing to my paranoia is the fact that i am surrounded by moms that seem to have it all going on. these moms that seem to have it all going on, make me aspire to become a better mom. so here are my aspirations, my goals in motherhood. needless to say, the list could go on and on forever, so i will limit myself to only a few things today!

1. i aspire to be the mom that cooks breakfast every morning. not fixes a bowl of cereal, not instant oatmeal, or toast, but breakfast. eggs, bacon (turkey bacon of course), pancakes, french toast, something hot, something filling, something that will leave an impression. notice i don't say i want to make a good lunch everyday or even dinner every night (jason can help with that!). just breakfast. something about that first meal of the day. breakfast just seems more important somehow.

2. i aspire to be the mom who is totally fit and healthy. the mom who works out everyday and still has time to accomplish all the other things that moms must do. i don't want to be the mom who works out everyday, but her house is a mess, or her kids spend hours in the gym daycare, or she doesn't get dinner on the table until 8. i want to be the mom who isn't overweight, works out and eats healthy. the eating healthy part will only take a few changes so i shouldn't have too much trouble with that...it is the daily workout time i seem to be struggling with.

3. i would like to be an early riser. i have wanted to be an early bird for years now, i just can't seem to do it. i want to get up early, read my bible, maybe get in that workout i mentioned above, shower and get breakfast ready! i want to have my day planned out before it starts and get things accomplished before the girls wake up. as it stands now, i am more of a night owl. isabelle and molly are early risers. you can see the problem.

4. i want to be good at something. not mediocre, but good, really good at something. scrapbooking, maybe knitting or learning to sew, cooking, baking, photography, SOMETHING. and not something dorky, like organization or money management or time management, something fun, something creative, something my girls will appreciate and want to learn from me.

lastly (for now)...
5. i aspire to be the mom who has it all together. the mom who manages to get it all done, and gets it done well. the mom whose house is always clean, whose kids are always dressed like they are on their way to a photo shoot, whose job is always going well and whose family is always making ends meet. the mom whose kids are well behaved in public, the mom who always has extra time for herself to relax or spend time with the hubby. i want to be that mom, you know, the perfect mom who always looks good, has stylish clothes and hair, smells good, has rockin' makeup and whose kids and husband think she is a goddess. that mom. i am sure you all know her. i know about 10.

so there it is...my list of aspirations for motherhood. something tells me it is a little unrealistic. but again, there are those moms i know that seem to pull it all off. so it must be possible, right?

first week home....

well, we have been home for a week now. doesn't seem possible that it has already been a week...especially because i still feel like such a rookie when it comes to taking care of a newborn. i keep thinking that at any moment it is all going to come back to me....hopefully it will come soon! isabelle is adjusting....sort of. besides consistently getting in trouble for sitting in molly's carseat, or bouncy seat, or trying to get in her cradle, or use her pacifier....other than that we are doing great...hehe. she has gotten back into her regular routine which is nice and i am sure the other things will resolve themselves in time. molly is doing great! we had a doctor appointment today and she weighed in at 7 lbs and 9 oz. that is 5 1/2 oz. more than what she weighed on friday! and her jaundice is looking better. i am so glad that things are starting to look more like normal where we are all concerned. i have not gone crazy yet, taking care of two under two, which i was a little worried about. my day does seem like an endless rotation of feeding babies, cleaning babies, changing diapers, and doing laundry and dishes.....so that is a little frustrating, especially when i would really like to get my business going again and have some adult interaction at some point. we did manage to make it to church this past weekend and despite one lady who apparently thought i still looked nine months pregnant....(she patted my stomach!), it was a great evening. i think at some point i will be able to return the endless amounts of phone calls, and write thank you notes that are growing overdue....but i am not sure when. more than anything i am so grateful to have my girls home, healthy and mostly happy. i am so blessed to have such a great family and great support system that have been so helpful these past few days...like my sister who spent over an hour with us at the doctor, and my mom who came by with food and let me take a shower before she left! things are going to be crazy, but i am pretty sure (as my sister reminds me my grandma used to say all the time) "these are the best days of my life."

Good Golly Miss Molly!

Well, we have made it home. finally! And more than anything I want to be able to document our stay and Molly's long journey from delivery, to special care, to nicu, to the pediatric floor to home so that one day we can boast in her testimony over what God has done not only for her and for us, but also hopefully for the nurses, doctors and other parents we met during our stay. Molly was born on Wednesday, March 31st at about 8 am. Jason and I weren't expecting my csection to start until nine, but we were early and I was so glad because I was miserably uncomfortable that morning. The csection went mostly well with just a few things that weren't so awesome (like my blood pressure dropping and getting to throw up during this delivery just like with Isabelle!). Molly looked beautiful and I must say that I knew all along it was a girl. I am glad I was right! Immediately it was apparent that she was having trouble breathing and she was put on oxygen right away, but we were told that it was normal because she was a csection baby. She was taken to the special care nursery and placed under an oxygen hood and we were told she may be there for a couple of hours before she was able to get the fluid out of her lungs. A couple of hours turned into four, then six and then eight hours and eventually 24 hours in the special care nursery. I was unable to see her for some length of time because of my surgery...though I can't remember how long. It wasn't until 24 hours later that Jason or I were able to hold her for the first time. Holding her was amazing and sad at the same time because the only reason we were able to hold her was because she was being transferred to the nicu. She was still not breathing properly and the oxygen hood was not working to solve the problem. Upon getting to the nicu, Molly was placed on a cpap machine very similar to the machines adults use for sleep apnea. During this time we were not allowed to hold her and I had still been unable to feed her. We also had another agonizing decision to make about what family members would be allowed in the nicu to visit Molly. Only four people other than Jason and I were allowed access to the nicu. There were no substitutions so even though my dad left town on Saturday, we could not have put him on the list and then switched to someone else later. When you have a father in law, mother in law, sister, mom, dad, step-mom, brothers, etc that have all been looking forward to meeting your new baby it is very difficult to choose who to exclude especially given our emotional state of mind at the time. Molly was on the cpap machine for about 24 hours before being moved to high flow oxygen and then a regular nasal canula over the next 48 hours. she also started light therapy to resolve some jaundice which was actually one of the only things we could find a little humor in because she looked like she was tanning with some sun shades on! By Saturday evening at 11pm, Molly was breathing well enough to come off of oxygen and some of her iv's and begin to start eating. I was only allowed to give her small amounts from a bottle at first and the feedings were difficult. We had many amazing nicu nurses and one in particular lobbied for me to be able to try to nurse. Something I learned was that it requires a lot of energy for a baby to nurse and so they do not want what they referred to as "sick babies" to expend too much energy to eat, rather to be able to eat easily in order to gain weight. Luckily for me, Sheryl was an advocate for me and without her I am sure I never would have even been allowed to try to nurse Molly. While we were desperate to leave on Sunday, the neonatologist wanted Molly off of oxygen for 24 hours before he would release her. I even considered leaving against medical advice because I knew Molly was well, but was persuaded to stay after we were told they would be moving her to the pediatric floor so that even though I had to be released from the hospital, I could stay with Molly in her room and have a bed to sleep on instead of sleeping on a couch in the nicu. My amazing husband had been sleeping on that couch every night, even during the blue light and also stayed with Molly and I in her pediatric room. Then on Monday we were finally able to bring her home. We still have a long way to go in terms of getting her feedings established and she is going to have to gain some weight pretty quickly, but it is so much easier to work on nursing and getting a schedule established at home where you don't have nurses and doctors monitoring your every move and every minute spent feeding. They had very strict guidelines about her feedings that we basically had to follow in order to be released. This whole situation has really forced Jason and I to have faith I didn't know we had. We picked out scriptures and taped them to Molly's nicu bed. I must have recited those scriptures a hundred times and prayed them over molly just as many. While many of our nurses were in support of being positive and believing what God says about healing, faith, prayer and our lives, we did have a nurse and a doctor that laughed at us and our beliefs. They gave us gloom and doom, worst case scenarios that would have scared the crap out of us and discouraged us if not for the fact we know what God says in his word and we choose to believe that word is true. It was somewhat fitting for us that Easter weekend was taking place during our stay since we know specifically that 'by his wounds we are healed.' Molly proved to all of them that what we knew, and what we believed, and what we said was true, not what they predicted. I hope those scriptures and our beliefs influenced them and will someday make a difference. For sure this has been the greatest trial of faith for me and I can't imagine being in a place like the nicu without being able to believe in God's promises for our lives. So we are home now, trying to get adjusted, trying to make up for lost time with Isabelle and trying to remember what life with a newborn is like. You wouldn't think we would have forgotten much in 16 months, but we have! We appreciate our friends and family who have been overwhelmingly supportive and who have agreed with us in prayer during this time. I have so many nurses to thank it is ridiculous. I also have to mention that I have the greatest husband and my girls have the greatest father anyone could ask for. Jason was my rock during this whole time and endured more than his fair share of emotional outbursts! He also was the one who had to witness Molly being stuck 7 times trying to start an iv before they finally tried in her head, which is where her iv ended up. He is amazing. So if you have read this much, you know most of the story and I pray will never be able to relate. I look forward to posting about Molly's milestones, Isabelle's adventures as a big sister and our life as a FAMILY OF FOUR!

sunday, monday, tuesday...baby day!

so wednesday is right around the corner and i couldn't be more excited. the end of this pregnancy has been harder and more uncomfortable than with isabelle and i am relieved that wednesday will be the end! on the other hand jason and i have about a million more chores to get done around the house before then so we are both a little stressed. as i type this, jason is out mowing the yard after having changed the oil in both our cars. meanwhile, i went and treated myself to a mani/pedi with the sis!!! obviously one of us is ignoring the to-do list! of course now that i am home and the nails are dry, i have little excuse to not be cleaning the bathrooms or finishing up the laundry. isabelle has been playing nicely by herself for most of the day and now that she has a room all of her own she enjoys playing in there without much interaction from mom and dad. i am confident that letting her get used to playing more independently will help me once the baby is here and i don't have as much time to devote to just isabelle. she has developed quite the personality and in my opinion, she gets cuter everyday. she has been saying new words and doing new signs at a pretty amazing pace and can communicate pretty well given her age. i am pretty sure she could be signing much more if i would take the time to learn some myself. anytime i show her one, she picks it up right away (though the motivation for the recent sign "cookie" seems pretty obvious.) isabelle has really shown me that as a parent, your kids just get more and more adorable. not less as i worried about when she was just a baby and i didn't want her to get big! watching her grow up has been pretty amazing and i am so blessed to have such a great daughter. i am sure the cute and adorable thing will wear off sometime around 13...but for now it is nice that i realize that even though the time goes by fast and they grow up quickly that they only get better and better. so our family is ALMOST prepared for #2 and more than ready to find out boy or girl. probably will not post again until after the baby is here, so look for an update!

14 days and counting

that's right...only 14 days till baby #2 is here!!! and let me tell you...i am one excited lady. i am pretty well DONE with being preggo. the swollen feet, gigantic belly, heartburn and inability to get a full nights sleep due to having to go to the bathroom every hour have worn me out! i don't quite remember it being like this last time. i have gained slightly more weight this time around (like 5 lbs) but i don't see how that could be making it this much worse! and most of all, i am ready to know if i am bringing home a baby sister or a baby brother for isabelle (though if it is a brother i don't know what his name will be!). but like i have said before, while i am ready to be done being pregnant, i don't know that i am ready to have another baby! and the things i am concerned about seem to be multiplying.


during this past nine months, i have never really thought about whether or not i will love this baby as much as isabelle. i think that is something parents struggle with when they have another baby. maybe i would have worried about it if it wasn't for my sister who told me frequently that you just do, your heart just does, God just gives you that ability to love the same HUGE amount for each kid. but i am concerned about other crazy things. like what if i don't think this baby is as cute. i mean have you seen isabelle? have you met her? she is freaking adorable. and she gets more and more adorable every day. yesterday when i told her it was naptime rather than run in her room like she usually does she just laid down in the floor and pretended to be asleep. it was pretty cute. worse than the thought i won't think this baby is as cute is the thought that i might think it is cuter! or what if this baby isn't as easy as isabelle was. trust me, i have been praying about this one. isabelle has been pretty easy all the way around. sleeping has been pretty easy, switching from breast to bottle was easy, from breastmilk to formula was easy, getting rid of the paci was easy and she has a pretty easy going personality. this kid could easily be more challenging than isabelle. and i DO NOT want that! i also think about what isabelle's reaction to a new baby in the house will be. we spend the entire day together and have a lot of time for just isabelle and mom. bringing home a new baby will most definitely change the amount of time i have to focus just on isabelle. while part of me is convinced that she will adapt to a new baby just the same as she has adapted to everything else, part of me worries she might not be so happy. and those are just a few of the things i think about during the day when the thought strikes me that in two weeks i will have two kids to take care of, not just just one. luckily i only have 14 days left and then a whole new level of craziness can begin!